Signs

Alrighty, so I used to believe in signs. I was always searching for a sign that a boy liked me, a sign that I was still in the "in" crowd, a sign that would tell me what my life was going to be. Astrological signs, numerology, you name it, I looked for it.

In the back of my mind I was searching for answers, but I really never found any. So I quit. I don't read the paper astrologies, I don't look for signs anymore. I tell myself that signs are just the Devil messing with me. They make me more confused and keep me guessing. I don't like to guess, nor do I like to give my life over to something I don't really believe in. I tell everyone who will listen I don't believe in that crap.

There are things in my life that seem like red flags. If it were someone else in my position, I would be telling her "Get the hell out of there!". But that is just it, I would be on the outside looking in, comparing this life to someone elses'. I am the first to tell anyone that your life is your life and no one has the right to tell you what to do in it. You only get one chance, so make the best of it. Live it, love it and make it what you want. Do not play the "What if" game. That will make you crazy.

So why am I? Why am I taking what I learned from past relationships and applying them to this one? Why do I assume that all boys cheat, all boys are selfish. I am looking for signs that I am right about him and need to dump him before he dumps me. It is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop; the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. When did I get so cynical? I could blame it on my parents for shattering my childhood with divorces. I could blame it on my low self esteem. I could blame it on any number of things. What I haven't learned yet is what the real deal is.

I am still waiting on sunshine and roses 100% of the time. Reality is, my feelings get hurt. I get mad and angry, I get confused and sad. I want to run away because it would be easier. Are these signs that things are bad, or is this reality? I am a pendulam swinging from questions to happiness. I look for signs that this isn't right and then I roll my eyes and tell myself I am stupid. I get my feelings hurt and I want to end it, then I dream about the future. Is this normal cold feet or a sign?